[Report This]Date: 04/26/2006 10:20 am Title: The Only Thing to Fear Is....
A few thoughts. You start with pondering the nature of fear, its causes, roots, and how it manifests itself. This could be very interesting, but you then wander far from the point. In the summary, you ask the question; “What does Severus Snape fear?” Your last sentence, “The only nagging thought that lingered in Draco’s mind was what Severus Snape was afraid of,” tells us that Draco knows of what Snape is afraid, but you never share that with the reader, nor do you share how Draco came to discover/deduce this.
You also say:
“Narcissa nodded at her son, her eyes telling Draco something he didn’t quite understand.
But he knew, in time, he would.”
That would be something else to share with the reader. You can’t be referring to the Unbreakable Vow, as Lucius was in prison when, and after, that was made. If, as you hint, Lucius has once more bought his way out of prison (unlikely) then Dumbledore must already be dead – unless you’re rewriting canon. That’s certainly allowed but you might want to mention it in author’s notes as otherwise it tends to confuse the heck out of some of us.
Suggestions:
Watch the pronouns – they can be killers in a one-sex environment.
Guard against shifting POV.
Don’t confuse obscurity for subtlety.
Don’t confuse sex for respect.
Watch the canon terms. Voldemort is a Halfblood, not a Mudblood.
Watch the time-lines, or clearly state you are ignoring canon.
Author's Response: Unfortunately, my note about this story being AU somehow got cut when I first posted this...sorry for the confusion. And also, I'm never answer all questions that I bring up in a fan fic. The entire point of the story was to leave some things unresolved, issues that I had questions about while reading the HP books and while writing this piece. I do not know what Severus Snape fears, nor am I going to attempt to investigate that issue. I'm sorry that you didn't understand why I was so obscure, but obscurity and subtlety are two completely different issues, as you point out. I wasn't going for subtlety.
Shifting point of view is an artistic aspect; preference one way or the other is simply that...preference.
The issue of a Draco/Severus relationship is indeed brought up, but I never mentioned anything about sex. There are strange, hard-to-distinguish lines between these two..I was simply opening up one of many possibilities.
And also...as much as I enjoy reading reviews and getting constructive criticism...if you have anything positive to say at all, make sure you mention it. Greener fan fiction writers would take deep offense at this review. Simply pointing out things that confused you and that you didn't like while not giving some kind of positive feedback could easily be taken, in any case, as a hostile review.
Author's Response: Now that I look back at the story, I also see where you misunderstood the Mudblood line. The original lines read:
Dark Lord.
Yeah right.
And he was a Mudblood.
My apologies...the lines now reads:
Dark Lord.
Yeah right.
If Voldemort was a Dark Lord, then Draco was a Mudblood.
The intention there was sarcasm.