[Report This]Date: 09/07/2005 02:42 pm Title: Chapter 2 - Two Butterbeers with an Order of Death Eaters on the Side
OH! How exciting! What a handy little lady you've dreamed up! :) ~Simplydreamin
[Report This]Date: 09/07/2005 02:24 pm Title: Chapter 1 - Pleased to Meet You, Mr. Lupin
I'm hooked on this original character! Can't wait to find out more about her! ~Simplydreamin
[Report This]Date: 09/06/2005 04:02 am Title: Chapter 1 - Pleased to Meet You, Mr. Lupin
Sorry, but I'm not engllish, so please be gentle (my grammar isn't that good *g*) I just wanted to say that your story ist the most wonderful and touching one I've ever read. CONGRATULATION!!!!
[Report This]Date: 06/24/2005 08:23 am Title: Epilogue: All Good Things
So we got an explanation about Snape saying what he said - another wonderful ability belongs to Mrs Lupin, right? And she is a 'lost and found' child. It is so visible this was your first bit of fanfictio n -I remember my first attempts at original fiction and I', too, gathered all the cliches possible.
It would be more pleasant to read if they weren't present, but still - I repeat - it's a definitely good read. I find myself very much engrossed in the story.
The mistakes:
Fidelus - should be Fidelius.
I liked the explanation for the fast progress of their relationship as well as her blocked abilities. Still, I'd rather have someone usual for the main character. What I like is the potential for disaster we have here.
On the other hand, I do not find Snape's sudden attraction too plausible - I know it's all about spoiling Remus's life, but still, it's a bit much to me.
On the other hand, you earn a HUGE plus for this part:
"I don't think members of the Ministry are going to want to take their children and grandchildren all the way to Poland or San Francisco for a proper wand
The patriot within me is so happy ;) Although Gregorovich isn't really a Polish surname, it's still nice to imagine that it's Poland that has one of teh three wand makers of the world. I could write a backstory about it ;) And if you ever want to incorporate a detail about where the Polish shop is or some such, I am happy to oblige! I love it when Poland gets mentioned in fanfiction.
Imperious - should be Imperius! That's an important spell, you don't want to misspell it in the middle of a fight!
Mundungas - Mundungus.
I could deal with being a wolf three nights a month if I could live like a man for the other twenty-seven - now this doesn't work. After all, the full moon is one-two nights and not monthly, because the cycle is 28 days long. You've got the numbers wrong.
I really like the 'abolish the restrictions' twist - especially as I understand both Remus's and Snape's point of view. Remus isn't really considering the consequences of other werewolves being freed of them 0 they aren't probably all good people, using Wolfsbane etc. The restrictions are needlessly severe, but at least part of them should remain intact to protect the society.
Oh, I read a big part of the story and I am pretty disappointed with what you make of Snape. I know I am a Snapefan and understand that others do not necessarily share my views, but... I don't think he is a man who would do such a thing. I am refering to his 'knickers' action. Would he really put a woman in danger of being raped? Even if by her own partner? That's something inexcusable, completely awful and also totally stupid, for Remus would of course recognise Snape's smell and rip the man's throat. That's pretty obvious. It's a lapse in the logic of the story to me (and I am pretty much impressed with you logic here, it's so visible that you had the main events planned beforehand). What I mean is - I think you put the characters in much too dramatic situations, create plot twists that are more than strictly necessary to achive your means. It's also visible in these moments that you create these situations in order to make certain characters say or do things that you planned - and it seems forced. I guess everyone does it at first. To be a good writer you shouldn't overuse extreme situations to create the settings you need. What is more, the reactions the characters take are often too mild, too dramatic or too thought-through to really seem realistic. "Dungeons" were more realistic (psychologically). I really don't see Remus first being so enraged and then calming and apologising to Severus - mostly because Snape doesn't deserve an apology here. What Remus didn't do was pretty nasty, but what Snape did - was unforgiveable. He all but raped Rosemary, using Lupin's hands.
I must admit that I find Snape's subplot the source of most of my frustration with your story (which I still greatly enjoyed). It all just seemed too extreme. Snape's, Rosemary's and Remus's behaviour. And I was pretty much disappointed with Snape's decision not to withdraw his case for Lupin's sake. On the other hand, the way the Death Eaters used Rosemary's calling Lupin her pet in order to charge her, too was nothing short of brilliant. Now this was a very good idea of yours.
I am one of the people who think that writing semi-pagan wedding ceremonies for the wizards is a not canon cliche best avoided.
"That's a good idea," Remus said absently as he tried to remember is he really called Severus, Sirius. - shouldn't it be 'if' he?
The epilogue was very nice, and sweet. The Inflamare things is a big clue, isn't it? We know a certain witch who put Snape's robes on fire ;)
Now on to the sequel - in the epilogue of Outcasts Snape is already a married man, so will the Sequel take place before the Outcasts' epilogue? Or after and it will be Snape/Hermione couple to be torn apart? It doesn't seem in the epilogue as if the Lupins had been separated, but perhapsthey've been and then they reconciled?
All in all, I am most anxious to read the third story. I do hope you don't feel offended by my opinions - I think you have great potential and your story is really good for a first. In "Dungeons" you managed not to commit most of what I accuse you here. I do think you should get someone with good canon knowledge before you start posting "Forgive Us". You make these silly misspellings in canon names and spells that make reading less pleasant. I'd gladly volunteer if I had a stable Internet connection. My Eglish may not be that good, but i can catch most of canon mistakes.
You did a wonderful job here, and if you keep with the tendency,"Forgive Us" should be just terrific.
Greetings from Poland,
Novinha
[Report This]Date: 06/17/2005 06:49 pm Title: Chapter 14 - Disclosure
Dearest Buttercup,
As promised, I moved to Wolfsbane to read your 'Outcasts'. I do enjoy reading it, despite some flaws this story has. First of all - the action does seem rushed. The 'two days and we love one another' is not too realistic (fell for one another, yes - but love needs time) and Ro has some Mary Suish tendencies - she is so smart, so special and so everything. Manages to get money out of the Goblins, is capable of standing up to almost anyone, makes friends instantly, repells magic! I do not want to sound rude, but all this qualifies her for a real Mary Sue and is bit much for me to take in a stride. The good thing here is - it's an original character. I hate it when people such things to canon characters.
You make some silly mistakes - use two different spellings for Macnair/McNair - (Macnair is canon). Or Legillimens - should be Legilimens. I remember seeing a spell misspelled too, but don't remember which one.
Some of the dialogue seems slightly forced and I think making Rosemary less special would make the story nicer. I also think you should ask someone with really good English language skills to beta-read it for you - because if I, not being a native-seaker see these mistakes, they must be even more annoying to the Brits and Americas ;)
I am also not sure as to your characterisation of Snape - would he really call Rosemary a whore? I rather think he's grown up since he was one to call people Mudbloods and other names. I am sure he'd insult her, but it wouldn't necessary be co coarse. He'd say something no less cruel, but more subtle. After all, Rosemary is not Sirius Black. And I wish we would see more of Remus's grief - after all, his best friend's dead and he seems unaffected.
Other than that, I do enjoy the read. You keep the storyline interesting and I can see that you've improved you style as well as storytelling skills - 'Dungeons' are much better, but the potential is here.
Most of all, the tale, so far, is charming. Makes for an interesting and gripping read. I definitely read it through - and I am waiting for the third story. Where are you going to post it, on ashwinder or wolfsbane, or both?
Greetings from Poland,
Novinha
Oh, and I'd forget - "Well good!" Alastor greeted Rosemary as she entered the library. "I was hoping you'd be the one to come out of that little get-together alive."
I really did not like this Alastor's comment. Snape is constantly putting his life on the line and receives this kind of gratitude.
Author's Response: Thanks for the concrit. I'm a little pressed for time at the moment, but I'm going to contact you via email about the third story.
Oh, and I agree that the courtship is unnaturally fast, and I also agree that Snape would normally never say a thing like that. He might think it, but he would never say it out loud. All I can say is keep reading.
[Report This]Date: 06/05/2005 10:58 pm Title: Epilogue: All Good Things
Wow. I had been following 'Dungeons' on Ashwinder and I'm so glad I managed to follow it back to this story. Your characters are so real and flawed - and Rosemary is a jewel of an original character. This is probably the first Remus centered fic I've read and you have really managed to bring the werewolf's trials and pains alive in such a superb and vivid way. I also appreciated the involvement of Snape in the story and it does go a long way to show the kind of person he really is - it has added more dimensions to the sequel for me now. I look forward to reading the rest of the sequel as well as to reading the promised third installment in this little series.
[Report This]Date: 06/04/2005 06:11 am Title: Epilogue: All Good Things
I told you I'd read this, so I did, and here's the review I owe you. This is much better than most first fanfics I've read. Rosemary does not seem at all like a Mary Sue. I liked your Remus characterization in general, though he didn't seem to have as much of the subtle edge he has in the books; instead he seemed to flip back and forth between "openly aggressive wolf" and "nice, warm, comfortable puppy." Still, too many Remuses are practically Gary Stu's; yours is quite a bit better.
This story brought up many questions for me, but here's the major one:
ch.33 and subsequent events.
The way Snape "abused Ro's underwear" (heh) in an attempt to provoke Lupin so he'd get into trouble was wrong, of course. Nevertheless, I do not believe that this level of provocation justifies a murder attempt. Mitigates maybe, but there's a lot of room between "execution" and "going free." I submit that most people, when introduced to the situation from the outside, would not believe that a man who did what Lupin did should go scot free.
Think about it: If even an IRL, non-werewolf guy tried to kill someone for...not even successfully fooling him so that his "reason" was "the jerk shagged my wife," but instead simply being caught trying to fool him into thinking he'd shagged his wife...would you really want him walking the streets? "He tried to provoke me, he deserves to die!"
OK, now imagine the guy who did this has a mental illness that forces him to murderous rage whenever the idea of his wife shagging someone else is brought into it in any way, even if he knows it's just an attempt at provocation. Should he be walking the streets? He just demonstrated a lack of self-control so extreme that he almost killed someone. For nothing more than trying to provoke him. If he couldn't help it, he deserves to be locked up in a mental hospital rather than a prison...but he still needs to be locked up.
And then we bring Snape into it. Snape, who can't seem to escape the haunting paranoia that maybe Lupin was aware of Black's plan to kill him. Snape, who so values self-control. Snape, whose behaviour in the books looks very much like he believes it's OK to taunt and provoke people but not to physically attack them. Snape, who has a grudge against Lupin anyway. You want me to believe Snape would think Lupin did not deserve to die for trying to kill him just for trying to provoke him?
Never. No way. NEVER.
Why did Sirius Black send Snape to the Shrieking Shack again? Might it have been for plotting to get the Marauders into trouble?
As for everyone else... You have created a society with vicious prejudice against werewolves. You have created a version of lycanthropy that causes enough problems to explain the development of this prejudice. In such a society, with such a form of lycanthropy, it is absolutely unbelievable that the result of a werewolf's trial for attempted murder is: He not only goes scot free but receives full citizenship as an unusually self-controlled werewolf who "poses no real threat to the community." When is the result of anyone's trial for attempted murder, at which they admit that they did in fact try to kill someone, ever that they "pose no real threat to the community"?
In this situation, even with Snape telling the truth, Remus would be lucky to escape execution in favor of St. Mungo's or Azkaban.
OTOH, I very much liked, "We are not willing to repeal the Werewolf Code of Conduct, but we are willing to make a determination of wizardry on a case by case basis." This would NEVER HAPPEN at a werewolf's trial for attempted murder, but I do think it's what would need to happen for individual werewolves in the society and with the type of lycanthropy you have created.
[Report This]Date: 05/16/2005 12:06 am Title: Chapter 10 - Control Issues
Rosemary is a hell of a character. I love her! Go Rosemary!
[Report This]Date: 05/15/2005 03:52 pm Title: Chapter 6 - Afterglow and Confessions
Madam Pomfrey??? Oh, my god this is so funny! And just wanted to say that this story is AMAZING. I found it yesterday and I'm loving every line of it.
[Report This]Date: 05/05/2005 06:10 pm Title: Epilogue: All Good Things
Yes.
[Report This]Date: 04/27/2005 08:26 pm Title: Epilogue: All Good Things
I loved this story! I laughed, I cried, and I absolutley loved the nicknames. Jellybean and The Bun! It was great! Thanks for the oppertunity to read this fantastic story!
[Report This]Date: 04/10/2005 01:56 am Title: Epilogue: All Good Things
Hello dear! I have been reading your novel for hours... and I am lost for words. YOU ARE AMAZING!!!! SIMPLY AMAZING! This is the best novel I have read here, I swear! I am writing a novel too (Occlumency) and I know what it feels to write a first fanfic. I am thrilled to see how many reviews you got and believe me, you do deserve each and every bit of it! Again, congratulations! You knocked me off my feet! Please tell me you are going to write a novel of your own one day. You owe that to yourself my dear!
[Report This]Date: 03/25/2005 02:57 pm Title: Epilogue: All Good Things
This story was recommended on Snegurochka’s webpage (snegurochka.slashcity.net). Wow! How fantastic. I laughed, I cried, I did all the appropriate things one does when they are reading a really piece of fiction. Thanks so much for sharing this wonderfully written story with all of us, it is truly appreciated.
[Report This]Date: 03/22/2005 08:51 pm Title: Epilogue: All Good Things
What a wonderful story. I enjoyed it from start to finish, and have added it to my favs list.
[Report This]Date: 03/16/2005 05:18 pm Title: Epilogue: All Good Things
This story was so great...though with the excerpt to the sequal I'm all upset now! Anyhow I guess I have to join your group to see the sequal, please post it quick!
[Report This]Date: 03/16/2005 05:00 pm Title: Chapter 42 - Something Pink or Blue
Wow...wow...
[Report This]Date: 03/16/2005 04:11 pm Title: Chapter 38 - Till Death Do Us Part
OH My GOD! You had me so worried! I was like crying, very evil of you!...Well...ahem...now that I got that out of my system...YAY! How great, perfect ruling actually, very well thought, anyhow I'm all emotional now and I need to keep reading! Great Job!
[Report This]Date: 03/16/2005 01:18 pm Title: Chapter 25 - Afternoon on Knockturn Alley
Great chappie, hope nothing bad comes of the candle, especially with Snapes "behaviour"
[Report This]Date: 03/16/2005 12:56 pm Title: Chapter 23 - Awakenings: Rude and Otherwise
I love this story everything about it is so great. You have a real talent.
[Report This]Date: 03/15/2005 08:21 pm Title: Chapter 6 - Afterglow and Confessions
This is so good, you've created a very unique and dare I say extremely likeable original character, and Remus is totally in character for once!
[Report This]Date: 02/22/2005 01:36 pm Title: Epilogue: All Good Things
I love this story so well done and I can't wait to read the others why haven't you posted forgive us our trespasses yet it sounds like a wonderful story oh who am I to camplain I have one that has Remus and a OC character half written and have't posted any of it yet well the story is long complicated and has a lot of ships it doesn't really focus on just Remus either it's set during Harry's sixth and seveneth years and has a romance for Harry too actually everyone ends up with someone so there's a ton of romance and lots of lemons but it's action adventure drama and suspense too but oh well maybe one day I'll get as much courage as you and post I really did love your story Remus is such an interesting character not only to read but to write as well and I loved Rosemary she was a very well written OC not Mary Sueish at all and you dealt with the prejudice of the wizarding world so well I love happy endings but I love to read the drama and angst too and this had it all loved it loved it loved it I was wondering though since I would like to post one of my stories here know of any good beta readers I need one so bad I suck at punctuation if you hadn't noticed that by now lol well anyways keep on writting you very good at it
[Report This]Date: 02/22/2005 08:58 am Title: Chapter 36 - Snape's Dilemma
Snape's little soliloquy before The Fight and this chapter left me with two things to say: "Snape's a real prick" and "Wow" I think you've portrayed Snape's character very, very well and overall, this story couldn't be better.
[Report This]Date: 02/04/2005 08:49 pm Title: Chapter 2 - Two Butterbeers with an Order of Death Eaters on the Side
I have to admit, I was a little nervous about this story when Remus admitted his lycanthropy to Rosemary so quickly -- but "It's rather like being on a date with James Bond" won me over instantly. What a great scene! And I loved the bit with her overhearing what the death eaters were saying and telling Remus... that was really clever. Must...read...next...chapter...
[Report This]Date: 01/29/2005 01:38 pm Title: Epilogue: All Good Things
OMG OMG OMG! I love you with all my heart! This is amazing! OMG OMG OMG!
[Report This]Date: 01/20/2005 05:17 am Title: Epilogue: All Good Things
I enjoyed this story more than I should have. You see, I'm cheating on Severus with Remus at the mo'. *laughs* Just kidding, but I've recently developed an interest in our favorite werewolf. This story left me in awe. I admit I didn't have high hopes for it when I first began reading, but you snared me in expertly around the third chapter. And I have to admit that I sat here on the edge of my seat until Remus was aquitted, after which I was finally able to breath properly and the butterflies in my stomach calmed down. I'm excited to read the rest of your stories and will start as soon as I've gotten myself to sleep since it's 2:15am my time *laughs* Ciao, P